lunes, 23 de marzo de 2009

Me lo mandó una amiga

Lo acabo de recibir y me he reído hasta las lágrimas. Espero que lo disfruten. Esta es mi generación. Perdón si es muy extenso.

LOS CUMPLEAÑOS DE 60...70....

Los primeros cumpleaños, en mi lejana infancia eran en la casa del homenajeado.
Sólo se hacía chocolate con medialunas o vainillas y la torta casera era de bizcochuelo y dulce de leche.
En realidad no me acuerdo de ninguno en particular.
Por tercero o cuarto año de la secundaria te empezaban a llover invitaciones en cartulinas blancas con letras doradas: ¡Llegábamos a los cumpleaños de 15!
Ocho o diez años después, comenzaron los casamientos.
Luego llegaron los cumple de los hijos, de los amiguitos de los hijos, de los hijos de los amigos.
Esos cumpleaños ruidosos, con pibes llenando el departamento, arruinando sillones, alfombras y cortinas, ya que no se estilaba alquilar un saloncito para esos sociales.

Todo se volvió mas tranquilo en materia de cumpleaños, el cumple de los hijos en sus casas y el de los nietos en saloncitos, de 5 a 7 y media de la tarde y chau.

Hasta que alguien invento el cumpleaños del numero redondo, festejar 60, 70.
¡Y estuvo genial!
Yo no sé quien fue, pero que alguien fue, no tengo dudas.
¡Sí, señor!!
Por suerte está de moda encontrarte con gente vieja, gorda, pelada, hecha pelota, sorda, desdentada y canosa que alguna vez bailo, fue de levante y de joda con nosotros.
Es casi, casi la Fiesta de la Nostalgia.
Y de pronto nos invitaron a una, justamente cuando hacía mucho tiempo que no teníamos una salida formal, y había que ir bien empilchados.
- No tengo idea qué ropa ponerme - le dije a mi mujer.
- ¿Vos no tenés idea? -me contestó- ¿Y yo?, que la última vez que me sacaste fue cuando vinieron Los del Cuarteto Imperial al Club Comunicaciones.
Como faltaban varios días para la fiesta, nos empezamos aprobar trajes, camisas, vestidos, blusas, pantalones, zapatos, cintos y corbatas.
Todo nos quedaba estrecho, y no permitía que se prendieran los botones.
Lo que no nos ajustaba la panza, nos estrangulaba el cuello.
Los zapatos nos comprimían los dedos.
Los tacos altos eran un suplicio.
Nos sentíamos como matambres dentro de la ropa que nos oprimía.
Conjugábamos por primera vez ‘matambrear’, casi todo nos matambreaba alguna parte del cuerpo.
Fui hasta el ropero y le dije a mi mujer:
- Vos vestite en el baño. Cuando yo esté listo te aviso y nos encontramos en el pasillo.
Empecé por una camisa de seda, con un cuellito que estuvo de moda hace algún tiempo.
¿Cuanto hacia que no la usaba?
Sólo me prendió un botón. El de más abajo, el que ponen al final, justo el que queda adentro del pantalón y nadie se entera si prendió o no.
Como no había forma de abotonar los del medio pensé en algo que tapara esa desprolijidad.
Para disimular me puse un pulóver de lana, de esos elastizados, que al estirarse se bancan cualquier talle.
Me quedaba tan ajustado que me marcaba el ombligo con una perfección absoluta.
La voz nerviosa de mi esposa asomo por la puerta apenas abierta del baño
- ¿Y si les decimos que se nos enfermó la nietita y los padres tenían que salir? - dijo mi mujer con un bramido, como haciendo fuerza para cerrar un cajón, un baúl.... o un pantalón.
- ¡Noooo, le dijimos a José que íbamos a ir! - le dije.
Para taparme el monumento al ombligo, probé con un sacón de lana que venía con un cinturón ancho también de lana, de aquellos que se tejían a mano.
No me convenció demasiado, pero no tenía por ahora una salida más decorosa.
Luego intente con el pantalón del traje.
Sabía que sería el que demandaría el esfuerzo mayor. Subir, subió. Pero los ganchitos que lo tenían que cerrar ni siquiera se conocieron.
Usé el cinto. Le hice un agujero extra, bien en la puntita. Ajuste todo lo que pude, y cerro.
Intente respirar hondo, y no pude, solo respiraciones cortitas, como jadeos.
Luego comencé con los zapatos, agacharse para calzarlos fue titánico, no llegaba al piso ni de casualidad.
Comencé a putear bajito.
Transpirando y cinchando me calce los zapatos de cuero acordonados que me puse por última vez cuando fuimos al estreno de El Graduado.
Atar los cordones lo deje para más adelante.
El asunto fue tomar nuevamente la vertical.
Apoye mis dos manos en la parte de atrás de la cintura y palanqueé para enderezarme.
No fue fácil, pero lo logre.
Solo tuve que acomodar nuevamente toda la ropa que me había puesto.
Desde el baño escuché a mi mujer que seguía haciendo fuerzas, se apoyaba en las puertas, se agarraba del bidet y se quejaba como nunca la había escuchado.
Me puse una corbata para disimular que el botón de arriba no prendía y con los zapatos sin atar salí caminando como pude.
El saco del traje lo doble prolijamente y lo lleve colgado del brazo.
Nos encontramos en la mitad del pasillo.
Nos miramos. Mi mujer sollozó suavemente y solo atinó a apagar la luz del pasillo donde nos encontramos.
no nos podíamos mover, caminar, ni respirar.
Como todavía quedaban unos días la convencí para llevar a la modista la ropa que nos probamos. Habría que agregarle, cortarle, ponerle o sacarle (más ponerle que sacarle).
La modista arreglo vestidos y blusas, ensancho trajes y pantalones.
Fuimos al shopping a proveernos de lo faltante.
Cuando llegó el día del cumpleaños éramos otra cosa, nos movíamos con cierta gracia, incluso ensayamos a hacer como que saludábamos al llegar.
Después probamos una vez (una sola vez) a agacharnos, e hicimos como que bailábamos para saber de antemano si algo de aquello se rompería, se despegaría, se desarmaría o se descosería en algún momento.
Quedamos bastante conformes, pero nuestros hijos nos cerraron con llave por fuera y nos prohibieron salir vestidos así. Nos amenazaron con no dejarnos ver nunca más a nuestras nietas.
¡Pero nuestra rebeldía efervescente y sesentona no se rinde!
¡Saltamos por la ventana y contentos y rejuvenecidos nos fuimos al encuentro de los compañeros de una generación pujante y vital!
Abrimos la puerta doble.
José nos esperaba como si fuera una quinceañera. Le dimos el regalo a la vez que en un segundo observamos todos los invitados y pudimos ver que casi todos estaban matambreados.
El buffet froid estuvo estupendo, los mozos bandejeaban bocaditos, empanadas de copetín, brochetes de diversos gustos.
Luego invitaron a los comensales para que se sirvan de unas mesas perimetrales adornadas con manteles hasta el piso.
Jamones crudos, pavita, langostinos, quesos sabrosos, salmones y arenques.
Palmitos, aceitunas gigantes, mayonesas, tomatitos cherry con condimentos.
Luego, cuando sirvieron desde unos fuentones con mechero los platos calientes que se comían de parado comenzaron los problemas.
Raviolitos y ñoquis al verdeo.
Mollejitas fritadas con salsa cuatro quesos.
Choricitos de blanco de ave a la pomarola.
Camarones con salsa provenzal.
Todo bien servido a los 200 comensales que, apretaditos y de pie durante la recepción, sosteníamos un plato caliente con una mano, el tenedor con la otra, el vaso de whisky con la otra, saludábamos a un amigo con la otra y un leve pero persistente temblequeo de párkinson en todas las manos a la vez.
El desparramo de salsas fue inevitable.
Al toque me mancharon el traje 3 veces, una con salsa roja, la otra con aroma a ajillo y otra con una crema espesa.
Y, por fin pasamos al salón principal.
Nos sentaron en una mesa grande con otras personas.
- ¿Quién es el señor canoso que está al lado mío? -le pregunté en voz baja a mi mujer.
- Es Carlitos, fueron compañeros de la secundaria y es tu actual peluquero.
- ¿Carlitos?... Hace diez minutos que estoy conversando con él y no me daba cuenta de dónde lo conocía. Está hecho pelota. No se mantiene como me mantengo yo.
Giré, le pasé el brazo por la espalda y tratando de disimular le dije:
- ¡Carlitos viejo y peludo!... ¡Estás igualito Carlitos!!
- Y vos estás hecho bolsa - me dijo y empezó a toser de tal manera que la mujer se tuvo que parar a atenderlo.
- Levanta los brazos, viejo. Tomate una cucharada de este jarabe por favor, tenés que cuidarte, a vos te faltan dos años para tu cumpleaños de 70 y te quiero organizar una fiesta.
Enfrente a nosotros, en la misma mesa, estaba Beto con su esposa que se había puesto toda la pintura que encontró en la casa, incluyendo una mano de antióxido, otra de enduído, dos de fondo y dos de esmalte sintético.
Beto se me acercó y en secreto me dijo:
- ¿Te acordás de Mónica? ¿Te acordás que estaba que mataba? ¿Te acordás que todos estábamos enamorados de ella en facultad?
Algún gesto debo haber hecho porque mi mujer se avivo que hablábamos de minas y me pisó sin querer con los dos tacos aguja.
- ¡¡Mirá para la pista! ¡¡Salió a bailar con el marido, mirala!!! -me dijo Beto, babeándose.
Giré la cabeza y solo conseguí ver a una señora mayor, entrada en años y pero mucho más en nalgas que se movía con mucha gracia y poco esposo.
- No la veo -le dije- debe de estar bailando atrás de la gorda culona...
La conversación en la mesa se fue poniendo linda…
Todas las frases comenzaban con:
'¿Te acordás de...?
¿Vos estabas el día que...?',
'El que no está bien es...',
'¿Sabés quien tuvo otro nieto...?',
'Viste quién se murió…?'.
Cuando alguien trataba de recordar quién fue el que hizo tal o cual cosa en los años 60, aparecían los
'¿eeeehhhh?',
'¿Cómo era?...'
'El petiso...' '¿Cómo se llamaba el petiso?...

Y las conversaciones fueron más o menos así…
- ¿Y ustedes ya tienen nietos? – pregunto un invitado al que se le movía la dentadura postiza.
- Si, una - le decía la mujer.
- ¿Dos nietas ya?
- No, una sola.
- ¿Dos varones? ¡Mirá vos!
- ¡¡UNA, UNA NIETAAAA!
- ¿Neneta? Qué lindo nombre. Disculpá que no te escucho bien. Están poniendo la música muy alta. A ese jovencito que está con el combinado deberían calmarlo un poco.
…………………
- Acá tengo una foto de mis nietitas - le dijo mi mujer a otro invitado.
- Ni te molestes - contestó - sin los lentes no veo un pomo.
La fiesta estaba bien buena, el disc jockey pasaba de Zapatos Rotos a Yo en mi casa y ella en el bar y de La Lambada a La Felicidad.
De la pista me hacía seña un pelado que oficiaba de locomotora para que saliéramos a bailar con el trencito.
- ¡¡Vamos cheeee!! ¡Manga de aburridos!! ¡Cómo en los sesenta, negro! ¡Vengan cheee!
Dos veces me tenté y dos veces me senté. Dos veces me paré y dos veces mi mujer me pegó un pellizcón en zonas de compromiso, me aplicó el plan taco aguja y me gritó en secreto al oído:
- ¡¡Esperá a los lentos, si bailamos esto se nos descose todo!! ¿Por qué no vas a fumar un cigarro afuera con Carlitos y Oscar? Ahí viene el mozo ¿Te pido algo?
- Sí, pedime un trago largo con Hepatalgina, Chofitol y un toque de Sertal batido con bastante hielo. Estoy repitiendo todo lo que comí. Ya vengo.
- Mi amor - me dijo mi mujer cuando me paré- llevá el celular por las dudas y llevá también este papel con el numero de mesa anotadito que después te la pasas buscando por todo el salón.
Afuera aprovechamos para recordar todas las minas que estaban buenas y nunca nos dieron pelota, todos los nabos a quien les quedamos debiendo una trompada y todos los campeonatos que nunca ganamos.
En la vereda de enfrente alcanzamos a ver que Beto hablaba con una señora, le mostraba la cédula y le preguntaba dónde quedaba el salón en el que estaba un rato antes festejando un cumpleaños de 70.
El baño estaba de lo más concurrido, flojos de vejiga y prostáticos agrandados nos encontrábamos a cada rato en los mingitorios.
¡Eso sí que estaba divertido!!
Desde adentro, el tipo del parlante avisaba que había aparecido una señora llamada Raquelita y no encontraba la mesa y que estaba junto al tipo que pasaba la música. Que fueran a retirarla allí.
Fue una fiesta inolvidable, a las 11 nos tomaron la presión a todos y un enfermero atendía sin costo a los que se sofocaban bailando.
El cardiólogo hacia bajar la presión de los más graves con pastillas sublinguales. Por suerte el aparato para electrocardiogramas no se uso.
Para tranquilidad de todos avisaron que una ambulancia del Same hacia guardia pasiva en la puerta del salón.
Junto con los souvenir, en un detalle realmente novedoso, (José es un detallista) a los que queríamos seguir tomando cerveza nos iba entregando pañales descartables.
¡Formidable invento esto de los cumpleaños de 70!
¡Y que se pongan de moda justo ahora, que todavía estamos hecho unos potros!

245 comentarios:

1 – 200 de 245   Más reciente›   El más reciente»
Cecy dijo...

Me encanto.
Eso es tener ganas mas allà de las condiciones.
Muy divertido mi bella.
Yo quiero llegar asi, con buen humor, ojala, verdad?

Te quiero. Besotes.

Lola dijo...

Me reí mucho.
Más allá de la exageración propia para hacerlo gracioso, son muy cirtas las ganas de festejar.
Mi mamá cumplió 70 hace un año y mi papá 75 hace dos y medio; y uno en este punto se da cuenta que a esta altura es cuando hay que celebrar, cada vez más (porque a esta altura todavía no dejaron de ser "unos pibes") cada año, y aunque no sea redondo.
Otra que es universal es pensar que los que envejecen son solamente los demás. Mis padres, tíos, etc tambien hablan de los demás así, como si ellos estuvieran igualitos que cuando tenían 25.
Al margen, totalmente cierto como fueron evolucionando los cumples, los infantiles sobre todo. Pero lo importante es que se hagan de cualquier forma.

Besos!

Erika dijo...

Excelente.. me diverti mucho leyendolo..
Me hizo acordar mucho a mis abuelos.. y sus cumpleaños de 70!
Besos.
Buen blog, voy a volver seguido!

Maria Rosa dijo...
Este comentario ha sido eliminado por el autor.
Flor dijo...

Buenísimo!!
Tan divertido como real, no? ;)

Besitos

Pilar dijo...

CECY, LOLA, ERIKA, MARÍA ROSA, FLOR: gracias por acompañarme en esta humorada para sacudirnos el stres y la modorra. Besos Las quiero.Pilar

miguel dijo...

jajajaajaajajajaja muy bueno¡¡¡¡¡
que linda es la vida¡¡ saludos linda pilar¡

ELINA dijo...

BUENISIMOOO!!!!
JJAJAJA
UN POCO EXAGERADO,PEO MUCHAS DE ESAS COSAS PASAN EN LAS FIESTAS DE GENTE ADULTA.
BEOS PIPINA, ME HICISTE REIR!!!!!!

Pilar dijo...

MIGUEL: la vida es hermosa aun con sus pesares.Gracias por reirte conmigo.Besos Pilar

Pilar dijo...

ELINA. es cirto como todo cuento tiene sus exageraciones, jajaja.Tambien hay mujeres mayores que parecen modelos y hombres con una prestancia que arrolla, pero esto es para reirse un poco, nada más.Besos, me encanta ver esa hermosa pareja.Pilar:)

Mamuchi dijo...

Me encanto, me rei y me di cuenta cuanto tenemos que disfrutar cada dia!!!! Y lo importante de tomarse los años con alegria y risa tambien. Es mi primer comentario pero no visita, prometo hacerlo mas seguido.

María (lady) dijo...

Qué bueeeeeno!, me ha encantado.
Yo quiero tener ese humor cuando sea grande.
Un abrazo!

mardelibertad dijo...

Me hiciste pasar momentos agradable
Besos

Pilar dijo...

MAMUCHI.gracias por compartir esta humorada.Espero verte seguido, ya te visitaré. Un beso grande Pilar

Pilar dijo...

MARÍA (lady) y seguro que lo tendrás, es cuestión de no dejarme apesumbrar por los problemas que siempre están. Besos mi pequeña.Pilar

MARDELIBERTAD: que gusto que hayas pasado un lindo momento, a mí me encanta encontrar tanta gente hermosa. Un beso Pilar

salvadorpliego dijo...

Increíbles recuerdos e historias que nos regala en este escrito. Un verdadero gusto pasar por este blog. La felicito.

Horacio Gambarte dijo...

Ay, qué de cierto hay en todo ello!!! Pinina, me hiciste reir en el trabajo y quedé como un verdadero... loco, por no enlodar este hermoso blog con una palabra indecorosa.
Besos, querida. Y esto se lo llevo de regalo a mis viejos que cumplen años hoy... sí, los dos.
Mamá 70 -justo!- y papá 73.
Gracias, bella, como te dice Cecy.

Pilar dijo...

SALVADOR:gracias por tus palabras y gracias por pasar. Saludos Pilar

Pilar dijo...

HORACIO: felicidades para ellos y que tambien lo disfruten!!!. Yo tambien quedé como vos riéndome hasta las lágrimas sola...cuando apareció mi hijo!. Gracias por tus palabras.Besos. Pilar

gringa dijo...

Hermoso Pilar!!!me rei muchisimo,mi vieja viene hace rato festejando redondito 40,50,60 y este año los 70 siempre tratamos de hacer cosas diferentes,este año invitamos a amigas y familiares que hace una banda que no ve,terminaron intercambiando fotos y pilas de recuerdos,la que no estaba con audifono,vino con baston,mi vieja feliz diciendome yo estoy barbara y si la verdad que mi vieja tiene un espiritu tan joven que no le das 70,ojala el tiempo se detenga,la salud y el humor la acompañen siempre y ojala yo llegue asi a su edad,un besote Pilar me ecanto se lo voy a imprimir mas besossssss

Pilar dijo...

GRINGA: gracias a vos por tanto entusismo, y seguro que llegas de tan buen humor como tu mamá. Besos preciosos.Pilar

tia elsa dijo...

Ay me encantó que manera de reirmi, sencillamente genial! Lo importante es disfrutar la vida, sin importar la edad, besos tía Elsa.

Poetiza dijo...

Bello texto. Asi deberia ser creo yo y no estar frente a la tv, el dormitando y yo, tejiendo todavia ilusiones a los 70. Me encanto el texto, besos, cuidate.

Pilar dijo...

TIA ELSA: así es la vida hay que disfrutarla a cualquier edad y que mejor, en mi caso de poder reirme de como nos vemos.Besos.Gracias por pasar. Pilar

POETIZA: que lindo como lo decis!!! tejiendo ilusiones a los 70 y así es nomás mi querida. Gracias por estar y compartir.Besos. Pilar

Cecy dijo...

Bella, Bella.
Tenes un regalito en casa.
besos.

mardelibertad dijo...

Me gusto disfrutemos de la vida.
Besos

marina montecristo dijo...

Los años no van en la edad son los sentimientos
Besos

Pilar dijo...

CECY: gracias a vos, bella eres tú, ya te visitaré y allí estoy siempre!!!.Besos Pilar

MARDELIBERTAD: gracias por pasar, recien vuelvo de un corto viajecito (un retiro) y actualizaré mi blog. Un gusto encontrarte.Besos PilaR

MARINA: comparto que los años se viven con el corazón donde habitan los sentimientos. Que lindo encontrarte.Besos Pilar

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